you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
