Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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