How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
