I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
