Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
