i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Everclear isn't food dammit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
