Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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