So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
