Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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