he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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