this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
