hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
