I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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