Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
