What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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