New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
