If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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