The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
