My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
