Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
