in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
