There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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