That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I've blown a few things in my day
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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