The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
