i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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