I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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