Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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