I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She announced her abortion via fbk
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
