Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize