You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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