Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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