I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
