Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize