i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
