dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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