hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize