Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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