Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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