Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
