This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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