is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
