Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
