I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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