How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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