I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
