I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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