Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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