just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I smell like Dick and happiness
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
