I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
