He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
