she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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