tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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