he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
