I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
