I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
