I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
