new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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