How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
