im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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