I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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