Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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