I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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